Article Title
Article Title

Natural Eyebrows

by Zack Poitras

While visiting home, I casually told my mom I had my eyebrows threaded for $7 at a little place in Greenwich Village. The following is the conversation that ensued, as accurate as I could remember mere minutes after its conclusion.

MOM: Your eyebrows…I don't like them. They look fixed. They look like
someone painted them on.

ZACK: That's fine. There's nothing I can do about it now. I won't go back there anymore.

MOM: No, what? 7 dollars? That's amazing. I love them. They're great.

ZACK: No, you don't. You just said you hated them.

MOM: I -- I do. I just think they need to look more natural.

ZACK: What do you mean by that? The whole reason I get my eyebrows done is because when I let them go, they form a unibrow.

MOM: I know. Your father's eyebrows look awful.

ZACK: So I have to get them done.

MOM: I know. They look fixed. They need to be more natural.

ZACK: So what am I supposed to do?

MOM: I don't know.

ZACK: What do you mean by "more natural?"

MOM: I don't know what I mean. Come look at the picture of ten-year-old me.

We go upstairs to her bedroom where she pulls out a portrait of her taken when she was ten. It’s a photo altered to look like a painting.

ZACK: Oh, I've seen this painting.

MOM: I know you have and it's not a painting.

ZACK: Sorry. Right, I know.

MOM: Look at her eyebrows. Those are natural. Yours look fixed.

ZACK: Those are a ten-year-old girl's.

MOM: I know, I was ten.

ZACK: But where's the comparison? I can't get a girl's eyebrows.

MOM: What? I know you can't. [looks back at the photo] But they're so natural.

ZACK: Okay, but she's ten. You're ten.

MOM: Yours look fixed.

ZACK: I'm sorry.

MOM: No, don't be sorry, I love them. They're great.

ZACK: You just said you hated them.

MOM: I do. They just need to look more natural.

That’s when I retired to my room for the evening.

Zack Poitras originally hails from Portland, Oregon, and now lives in Brooklyn. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and as a contributing writer to The Onion. Zack is also a member of the comedy group Pangea 3000. His favorite sound is someone biting into something juicy, like a watermelon or something.