Article Title
Article Title

Natural Eyebrows

by Zack Poitras

As we recover from the holidays, The Inclusive will feature the best pieces from 2011. This gives you an opportunity to read some pieces you might not have otherwise seen, and it allows our staff to, y'know, hang out for a bit.

This piece was originally published October 5th. Irregular staff writer Zack Poitras relates an experience that we all know well: that our parents just don't understand. Except this is decidedly sexier than that video. We are talking about eyebrows, after all.

While visiting home, I casually told my mom I had my eyebrows threaded for $7 at a little place in Greenwich Village. The following is the conversation that ensued, as accurate as I could remember mere minutes after its conclusion.

MOM: Your eyebrows…I don't like them. They look fixed. They look like
someone painted them on.

ZACK: That's fine. There's nothing I can do about it now. I won't go back there anymore.

MOM: No, what? 7 dollars? That's amazing. I love them. They're great.

ZACK: No, you don't. You just said you hated them.

MOM: I -- I do. I just think they need to look more natural.

ZACK: What do you mean by that? The whole reason I get my eyebrows done is because when I let them go, they form a unibrow.

MOM: I know. Your father's eyebrows look awful.

ZACK: So I have to get them done.

MOM: I know. They look fixed. They need to be more natural.

ZACK: So what am I supposed to do?

MOM: I don't know.

ZACK: What do you mean by "more natural?"

MOM: I don't know what I mean. Come look at the picture of ten-year-old me.

We go upstairs to her bedroom where she pulls out a portrait of her taken when she was ten. It’s a photo altered to look like a painting.

ZACK: Oh, I've seen this painting.

MOM: I know you have and it's not a painting.

ZACK: Sorry. Right, I know.

MOM: Look at her eyebrows. Those are natural. Yours look fixed.

ZACK: Those are a ten-year-old girl's.

MOM: I know, I was ten.

ZACK: But where's the comparison? I can't get a girl's eyebrows.

MOM: What? I know you can't. [looks back at the photo] But they're so natural.

ZACK: Okay, but she's ten. You're ten.

MOM: Yours look fixed.

ZACK: I'm sorry.

MOM: No, don't be sorry, I love them. They're great.

ZACK: You just said you hated them.

MOM: I do. They just need to look more natural.

That’s when I retired to my room for the evening.

Zack Poitras originally hails from Portland, Oregon, and now lives in Brooklyn. His work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and as a contributing writer to The Onion. Zack is also a member of the comedy group Pangea 3000. His favorite sound is someone biting into something juicy, like a watermelon or something.