I'm running a bit of blatant self-promotion over on my facebook wall. If 200 people like our facebook page then I will use my 7th grade school photo as my profile picture until my birthday in April. This photo is particularly harrowing because it depicts Fat Anton, a creature that people don't believe existed, like Big Foot or Shakespeare. Luckily, Fat Anton lives on not just through photos but written pieces that, while created as I was slimmed down, still carry the clear mark of a fat kid in middle school. So here, presented without any edits at all, is "The Michael Anton Credo," my views on how life should be lived from the vantage point of a pissy sixteen-year-old. Everything is [sic] and will probably drive you to be [sick].
Do watch for the sign off, which, upon reading just now, made me want to hop in a time machine and murder myself, even if that meant that I'd fade away Back to the Future style. It would probably be worth it.
Here is my testament. This is my idea of how life should be. This is the manifesto in which live should forever be modeled. Societies should take this as law and make the changes to make it so. The Michael Anton Credo is so:
1. Nice guys should finish first. What the hell did we ever do to you people? Christ, is it so wrong to want to compliment someone? I was brought up to flatter in a way, to just be honest, to not say something mean. I will go up to a girl and talk to her for hours upon hours, but it’s the asshole who’s been smoking since 6th grade, who burned down his garage, who allegedly beats chicks, that will get this one? I’ve seen too many good girls taken by this monster called “the cool guy.” I should be the cool guy. Then again, that’s impossible cause I don’t drink.
2. People will stay out of other’s business. From a young age we were taught to not be nosy, to not gossip, to not try and look after someone or give advice or boss someone that just doesn’t want that. Some thing we do it out of rebelliousness for what we were taught, maybe we are just curious, or maybe because our country does it. We’re born in America, and we police the fucking world! You have nukes and could have a strong military capability? Well we have that, and you can’t, so stop it now! You go around to the local teen ‘hot spot’ and hear “Oh my god Becky did what with him? She can’t do that, I like him, and I’ll put a stop to that right now!” Influence comes from society, your surroundings, and HELLO your loving government.
3. Take away drinking laws, making everything legal. Here’s something that’ll get all the parents miffed, which is crap since they were the ones that brought up a whole drug revolution in the first place. Thanks, by the way. I just don’t get how when you’re 20 and 364 days of age, you can not consume alcohol, but someone one day older can. More so, if we’re brought up learning about how certain drugs can be, and how you should just say “no” and alcohol is bad, and smoking is bad, and you just shouldn’t do it, BUT if you’re this age it’s AOK to have! It’s bullshit. Why does the raging hypocrisy exist like that? A substance is either bad or good, regardless of when taken. Sure, we can go into how younger bodies shouldn’t be doing it, but you can go out to any party and get fucking shitfaced on various different products in Perfecttown USA, so who are we really kidding here, people? I say just fuck it, make everything legal, people will make their own choices on what they want to put in their bodies. Wait…isn’t that what free choice is about?
4. Disavow any knowledge of curse words. There is nothing wrong with curses. Nothing at all. Talk to one person, say “ass” and that could offend someone else as much as “fuck” or even “damn it.” Words are just words, and they are based on PERCEPTION. A student shouldn’t get points off for saying one of these nasty words, which have been uttered since 4th grade. You take an all new set of words, make “bubble” stand for “fuck” and “weeble” for “shit” and those old curses will fade and people will try and avoid having their kids say “bubble this” and “weeble that.” They are words, and words never hurt anyone. Well, except for when that billboard fell on a guy….
5. Take away all guns. Seriously, this one needs no explanation. We are a country where half the population is stupid or desperate. Plus, we have knives and boards with nails in them. Isn’t that enough for death? Guess not.
6. Lawyers are gone. Fuck the people who will sweet talk, save murders from the chair, put the unequivocally innocents 6 feet under. Just put the guy on trial, give all facts and evidence, let the jury figure it out. Eye for an eye is also true, because raping and killing a 5 year old and making someone sleep and never wake up again just ain’t the same kind of retribution, now is it?
7. That brings me to 7 – child rapists are to be immediately killed in the most harmful and cruelest way possible. It’s just so fucking disgusting…ugh, don’t even want to go into it, just kill’em harshly. Assholes.
8. The freedom of speech shall be upheld. People are so freaking touchy now. You say “fag” in a movie and some group is after you. Someone paints a picture that someone finds OFFENSIVE and they throw a shitfit. Once again, perception rears its ugly head again. We have a right as people in this county to say what we want without persecution. Has that just been forgotten about? Whenever some rapper says “ho” or “bitch” people are up in arms like said rapper assaulted some grandparents. If you feel that the country is so stupid and will say whatever popular singer dude will say, then why aren’t we a country of sappy love singers or Canadian chicks wearing ties for no apparent reason, or furthermore, all making our own li’l ghettos and talking like we’re big and black? Oh that’s right, we’re not, and we aren’t idiots, and we can make up our own minds. So even if you’re against that one guy pushing his HATE agenda on me, you’re pushing your OWN agenda on me at the same time. Moral of the story – shut up.
9. Patriotism shall be abolished in every form. Seriously folks, the only time you show your love for your country is one day a year or when buildings fall? Put away your 3 dollar car flag and either voice it all the time or never at all. God bless America.
10. Education will get more attention than the military. This is by far the greatest paradox that I have ever heard from one section of the government. The Army and other facets are upset that they are getting less educated people and don’t see why people from Harvard and Yale don’t join the military! Check any federal funding bill. Here’s the pie piece for education: > and here’s military: < [editor's note: think of that "<" as being really large] could that possibly be the problem here? Nah, fuck it, we have nukes, they can be smart for us as those Chinese will just use some calculators and never go after us. Look at our president and you tell me that the Cold War/Nuke race didn’t forever cripple our country. Also, everyone learn Chinese as they will own us in 20 years.
11. The line between “fact” and “opinion” will no longer be blurred, but will be made into 8 tons of metal, concrete and other heavy shit so that people will know what’s going on. News is no longer news. It is a souped up hour-long editorial with ‘news’ that is “THIS COUNTRY IS BAD AND WE SHOULD WAR WITH THEM GRAAAARRR!” or any of those sob stories. Fox news “reports, and then YOU decide.” Obviously there isn’t enough room on your screen for the rest of their little tagline. “We report, you decide…after we tell you what is good and bad, who to hate, who to love, and who you pledge allegiance to. Because, obviously, that man is Rupert Murdoch. Watch COPS on Saturday nights, too. Thanks.”
12. No more frivolous lawsuits. Things are just so fucking ridiculous, it’s god damned amazing. So, I have decided since American Idol was such a hit show and the plot for The Running Man was keen, I’d expand upon these two ideas, and incorporate them into a game show whose popularity will be unmatched by everything (but Millionaire, of course). I thought it’d be good to get the people who made the stupidest lawsuits of the week, because we all know that they do occur WEEKLY, have the kids at home vote, and whoever gets the most votes gets to be brutally eaten apart by lions, then the remains are fed to sharks. After a month, I would love to see those fat money grabbing assholes who want to sue fast food chains for making them this way pull that crap again. NOTE – I already abolished lawyers, so this rule will hardly ever be in effect. But then again, we can’t be TOO lax, now can we?
13. Here is now a short list of groups of people who should be outlawed and sent to the Antarctic: Rappers with Platinum teeth things, girls that are 80-100 pounds and bitch about being fat (considering they aren’t like, 2’3”), white people who wear doorags like their fucking Tupac’s cousin or something, anyone who says “omg” more than 5 times in an instant message conversation, the people who made AOL as well as their shitty product, and people who like Creed, as well as the band themselves.
14. If you have to be a certain age to drive in the first place, there should be one to say when you CAN’T drive. Or, more so, that there should be a mandatory test of any driver over the age of 65 (retirement, keeping it simple) to see if they just absolutely suck at driving or not. I have been on the road a great deal, and I have seen no older person ever driving the correct speed for the road, wearing anything in the sun but those huge sunglasses that you find in A&P that go over their glasses with the 5 inch thick lenses, or that can actually see more than 6 inches over the steering wheel.
15. Homework is abolished. It is crap work. I don’t feel the need to continue, cause we talked about it in class.
16. Girls won’t question what guys do, and girls won’t question what guys do. By this, I mean try to understand the other sex, because you know what, it will never happen. Girls will always “lack sense,” and boys will always be “silly and not definitive,” so stop bitching about it and just comprehend that you know absolutely dick, and will continue to know absolutely dick, about the other sex, for the rest of your life. You will save at least one ulcer this way; Dr. Anton guarantees it.
17. People are insane, and you have to know that. Seriously, some people are just born not all there. Whether it’s someone who will burn ants with a magnifying glass, go around shooting people in a school, taking pictures of you in the shower of your apartment, or blow up people for some religious crap, these people exist in our world. It isn’t like they became this way after playing a video game, or they were brought up without a stable father figure for 3 years in their life, or because they were breastfed. They’re just plainly fucking nuts. The sooner that everyone understands that someone could just be crazy based on their own accord and screwed up head, the world will just be a better place. Better until those crazy Halo-playing orphaned dope addicts blow it up, of course. Bastards.
18. There is one God for every religion really, so why not make it just the same guy? By this, I mean everyone can keep whatever religion they like. If they think Jesus was the son of God, cool. If they think he was a prophet, it’s quite possibly boss. Hell, if they think there was no Jesus and God’s only son is a sheep named Benny all the power to’em. But there’s really only one God, and I swear to you, he doesn’t want you to kill anyone in his name. Really! Just ask him sometime.
19. There are no aliens or life outside of this planet. We as a race should keep getting ahead of ourselves. Let’s try and learn everything we can about US before we ever start to think about something else. And really, do you think if we ever got in contact with a race that can fly across space would really care about what we’re doing? Shit, they’d either laugh at us or piss us off and we’d nuke them. Once again, god bless America.
20. There will be no more quizzes where you find out what song you are, what crazy character from Friends you are, or what fucking drink you are. If you don’t know what character you are from a TV show, ask your friends and they’ll give you the honest truth. Shit, I always thought I was chandler, but apparently I’m ross. Big friggin deal. And seriously, if you were an alcoholic drink, it would make the world a better place because you couldn’t think, talk, or spread that shit around like the fucking ebola virus of stupidity.
This is my coda of life. Leave me comments, cause I’m sure I pissed off more than a few people with this.