Article Title
Article Title

Finding The Truth

by Sean Curry

For those of you without access to any kind of media, or just waking from a deep coma, this past Sunday was the 10th anniversary of the collapse of the World Trade Center. The 9/11 Memorial officially opened, and thousands of people showed up to remember, honor, and show their respect for the victims of the tragedy. I went, as well. I was within 20 miles of this city when it happened, the smoke from Ground Zero blew over my town. For me, the anniversary was as much about expressing solidarity with the victims’ families as it was about grieving for the city of my birth. There was a blocks-wide, cordoned-off area for the event. Ticket holders, press, and families got to get up close, and there were large screens displaying the speakers and reading of the names to large, fenced-in areas for the rest of us. Within this safe zone, there was an appropriate air of respect. It was about the remembering the tragedy, and the horrible loss of human lives.

But about five blocks away, the fat, stupid head of human nature reared up and made itself heard. There's something about shared tragedy and massive amounts of attention being paid that really brings out the idiot in people. The Truthers were there, screaming about conspiracy theories, shadow puppeteers, and cover ups. I'd take them more seriously if they all didn't have pink hair, dreadlocks, or mohawks. When your movement only attracts one kind of person, it's probably more subjective than objective. Then on the other side were the Never-Forgetters, wearing American flag t-shirts, handing out "Jesus Saves" pamphlets, and screaming about how much they loved their country and how you really need to love it more. Everyone needs to yell their cause, everyone needs to be the biggest victim.

I think there's something about human nature that drives it. A desire to be a victimized, up and until one is actually a victim. The Truthers are victims of the evil Bush Administration, pulling strings and snuffing out thousands of American lives to get an excuse to go to war in Iraq. And the Never-Forgetters' way of life is under attack by the evil Muslims, hating our freedoms and stamping out our liberties.

The more the yelling match continued, the more the crowds began to blend together, and the harder it became for me to figure out who was who. Sure, the green mohawks and airbrushed Jesus t-shirts helped, but the screams soon started to sound like the same ones. I put together a litmus test of sorts, to help me figure out who was who. Take it yourself, add your points, and see what kind of patriot you are.

Respect Through Screaming: What side of the Crazy Coin to you fall on?

1. Who's the enemy?
- The new family on my block, the ones with the things on their heads! Their cars are always in the driveway Sunday morning. They hate our freedoms! 1 point
- The liberals! They want to turn us into a Muslim/Communist/Atheist country with education and free health care! They hate America! 2 points
- The conservatives! They’re mindless lemmings doing whatever Fox News and Rupert Murdoch tell them! They want to elect Jesus president! They’re ruining America! 3 points
- Dick Cheney! He keeps men in his safe and tortures children! He and Rumsfeld have been running the show for years, man! 4 points

2. Who's the victim?
- Me, my family, and Main Street, USA! They’re taking away our liberty! They want to replace my church with a mosque! God damn it, there’s a war on Christmas! 1 point
- America! We can’t survive in this politically-correct, post-9/11 society, we’ve got to take our country back! 2 points
- Democracy! We can’t survive in this police state, post-9/11 society. We’ve got to take our lives back! 3 points
- Every free-thinking citizen! They’re taking away our civil rights! They want the Bible in schools! 4 points

3. What happened on September 11, 2001?
- God punished America! He’s unhappy with the gay stuff and all the spending! He couldn’t have been clearer! 1 point
- Jihad! You can read it right in this Quran before I toss it in the fire: “Kill America!” It’s right there, commie! 2 points
- I don’t know, but they’re not telling you everything, man! Where’s the video at the Pentagon? How did the hijackers pass flight school? 3 points
- An Inside job! Thermite, controlled demolitions! Dick Cheney and his lizard people/Free Mason cronies set it all up to appease their dark lords! 4 points

4. What is the biggest threat to America today?
- Anti-Americanism, anti-patriotism! Planned Parenthood! The ACLU! Political Correctness! It’s getting to a point where you can’t call female co-workers “toots” anymore! 2 points
- Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, and Rupert Murdoch! Texas! They’re controlling our kids’ textbooks, man! 3 points
- War profiteers and the military-industrial complex! They won’t stop till the bombs go off! Stock up on canned goods and weapons and hide in your basement! 4 points

5. What needs to be done?
- Put a boot in their ass, it’s the American way! 1 point
- Impeach B. Hussein Obama! 2 point
- Close Guantanamo, prosecute war crimes! End American imperialism! 3 points
- Revolt against the government, it’s the American way! 4 points

6. Who needs to do it?
- Jesus! 1 point
- Rick Perry and Michelle Bachman! 2 points
- Obama, if he gets his balls back! 3 points
- Ralph Nader! 4 points

There you have it, folks. Add up your points and see what specific brand of nutjob you are below:

6 points
You are the last true patriot in America. You recognize Islam for what it is: terrorist fairy tales told to terrorist kids at terrorist bedtime. They hate us, they’ve always hated us, and only Jesus and the ghost of Ronald Reagan can set things straight again. I can’t WAIT for the Rapture!

7-11 points
It all started with that Clinton son of a bitch! Whippin’ his pecker out... And now Obama! You believe that? They’ll just elect ANYBODY these days! Gotta get ready for the shitshow that’s gonna go down, believe you me. Better get me a couple more guns and some beer - unless they’ve made THAT illegal, too! Christ, you can’t even call a Jap a Chink these days!

12-14 points
Well, 9/11 just sucked. That really just... sucked is a pretty tame word for it. You know what, why don’t you take your signs and your whistle blowing and your Jesus bracelets over there, I’m going to... I’m just going to need a minute. Damn.

15-19 points
How do you explain WTC 7, man? Thermite? Where are the flight logs? Where was NORAD? Patriot Act? It’s only been used to arrest American patriots, man! The man’s trying to shut us up, man, but we won’t let him, maaaan! Hold on with that important information, chief, I need to read about a pet goat for eight minutes.

20 points
You are the last true patriot in America. Our glorious republic has been taken over by the Illuminati and they’re pumping out moon landing videos and putting LSD in Coca Cola to keep us happy. But you know the deal. You know the score. You won’t let them, not anymore! Sign up for my friend’s email newsletter, he knows so much about this stuff. Yeah, I didn’t believe it at first either, but... listen, he makes some really interesting points, is all I’m saying.


(Image courtesy of soukup)

Sean Curry is a writer, funny guy, and terrific dancer. He is 26 and a quarter and next year he gets to walk all the way to the store by himself. He resides in New York City with his wife and eleven dogs, and he even has a website: