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The Inclusive vs. The Oscars

by Inclusive Staff

Last night, the staff writers and readers of The Inclusive gathered together in a live chat to discuss the Oscar telecast. Roughly a thousand pages later, we came to the conclusion that the show was decidedly boring, predictable, long, and dull. So, really, it was another worthy addition to a long line of Academy Award shows. Presented below are the best moments of the night, as debated by us, with smarmy comments and clever witticisms.

On the red carpet, we learned that women love Tim Gun ("TIM GUNN TIM GUNN TIM GUNN. WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME TIM GUNN WAS ON ABC?!?!") almost as much as they love Ryan Seacrest getting covered in the fake ashes of Kim Jong-Il ("PISSED SEACREST IS MY FAVORITE SEACREST" both comments from Nicole Rego). Then, onto the show. A full list of winners can be found here. Snarky remarks can be found below.

The opening:
Walter Burns: It took 37 seconds for me to be annoyed by Billy Crystal.
Jake: Billy Crystal in blackface. Classy.<
Walter Burns: This intro could use more Billy Crystal.
Nicole Rego: The left side of Billy's face isn't moving very well.
Walter Burns: This entire thing is made to please people who can't chew their food anymore.
Mike Anton: My mom is loving Billy right now
Jake: The Oscars are officially turning into the Dundies.

On Best Make-Up winner, The Iron Lady:
Bryan Lowry: Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
Walter Burns: i'd like to thank blush, and eyelines, and most of all, concealer

From two categories in:
KillPrint: this is the worst Oscars I'm ever going to watch from beginning to end

On other concurrent TV programs:
Bryan Lowry: Dave is bidding up
Scott Doliner: very unhappy I'm missing a new storage wars episode for this
Savcat: $1200 is too much for this locker
Savcat: That chair is worth at least a buck fifty

Sandra Bullock speaking in German-tinted Mandarin:
Nicole Rego: Sandra. Hot mess. Too much botox.
Bryan Lowry: You rarely see so many Jews applauding German.

Best Foreign Language Film, A Separation:
Walter Burns: Not enough drone attacks for me.
Jake: Everyone with both hands in Iran is clapping wildly right now.
Mike Anton: If the orchestra cuts him off it'll be an international incident

Best Supporting Actress, Octavia Spencer, The Help:
Jake: I look forward to Octavia's future projects... starring along side Cuba Gooding Jr. and Hillary Swank in The Oscars Didn't Make Me Marketable For Shit

The allure of the outside:
Savcat: who would pay $4500 for lamps?

On the audience response bit to The Wizard of Oz:
Andy Hoglund: So, the message here is: audiences are fucking stupid

Best Sound Editing, Hugo:
John Welsh: The Radiolab crew gets snubbed again

Best Visual Effects, Hugo:
Savcat: Hugo was my favorite character on Lost
Savcat: But locke was cool too

Best Supporting Actor, Christopher Plummer, Beginners:
Cathy Anton (Mike's mom): Standing O. As they should. The man will be dead soon.
Bryan Lowry: Best way to thank your mom [in your speech] is to mention her womb.
Nicole Rego: I still think Christopher Plummer is best dressed. Love Captain Von Trapp.

Best Original Song, Bret McKenzie for "Man or Muppet" from The Muppets:
Walter Burns: As a reminder, 3 6 Mafia won an Oscar before Scorcese.
Mike Anton: Oscar? Present.
Bryan Lowry: Now he can finally pay his rent to Eugene Mirman.

Angelina Jolie presenting Best Adapted Screenplay:
Walter Burns: Who thinks what writers do is easy? Stupid actors?
Nicole Rego: Ang's dress is great. But calm down with your leg. Above the thigh is not appropriate for the Oscars.
KillPrint: above the thigh is not appropriate for a circle jerk?

Best Adapted Screenplay for The Descendants:
Bryan Lowry: Greendale is officially saved.
Jake: Now maybe they'll let him hang with the study group.

On the self-important actors-discussing-movies montages:
Walter Burns: ACTING IS SO IMPORTANT GUYS WE'RE HEROES EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US
Bryan Lowry: The girl from precious totally gets the meaning of My Left Foot. His foot!

Whimsy, racism:
Savcat: Do you think Jeremy Lin is going to show up and increase the ratings for the oscars?
Walter Burns: Hopefully. Billy needs a new ethnic population to make fun of.

On the technical awards:
Savcat: It's funny that Hollywood honors technological achievement, and yet its distribution model hasn't changed in 100 years

Best Documentary, Short Subject, Saving Face:
Bryan Lowry: It's more important that the Pakistani speak,...but first let me speak.
Mike Anton: Pakistan boooo plastic surgeon should have told us about where bin Laden was
Jake: Shocking that a room full of people with plastic faces honor a movie about facial reconstruction.

Oprah:
Nicole Rego: All I want in life is to be half as successful as Oprah.
Walter Burns: That would put your net worth right around $500 mil.

Death Montage:
Jake: They included Whitney Houston in the preview for the year in croaked celebs... I thought they only include those who died during the Oscar year? That's why they left out others in the past.
Savcat: gaddafi is gonna be last
Bryan Lowry: Jacky Treehorn RIP
Nicole Rego: 15 days sober. <3 WH

On commercials:
Bryan Lowry: JC Penny makes quality slacks
John Welsh: Miracle Whip is the indie mayonnaise
Walter Burns: i'd rather my kid smoked than ate mcdonald's
Mike Anton: Seymour Cassel Kraft mac and cheese commercial just made my fucking night

Somewhere around Meryl Streep winning Best Actress, when we were all near comas:
Walter Burns: This thing peaked with the ashes getting dumped on Seacrest.

Best Picture, The Artist:
Andy Hoglund: who the fuck SCREAMED when they announced that?
KillPrint: HIGH FIVE HARVEY WEINSTEIN
Walter Burns: I imagine storage wars would have been less predictable.
Bryan Lowry: I'm still waiting for the Carrot Top hosted oscar...shit's going to be da bomb

On the audio issues:
(8:36 PM) Scott Doliner: why is the audio horrible?
(8:40 PM) Jake: This is gonna be really great when someone plugs in crystal's mic
(8:47 PM) Walter Burns: pitball performing at nba halftime right now. better sound mix than billy had.
(9:18 PM) KillPrint: gettin some feedback
(10:10 PM) Nicole Rego: This audio is terrible. Where are their Academy Award sound mixers??
(10:11 PM) Bryan Lowry: Brett Ratner would have done a much classier job on the sound.
(11:17 PM) GridMonkey: ah, the beeping, its the camera tracking system, it runs on the 2nd audio channel of the cameras, it tells the camera where it is in space, my guess is someone crossed the two channels

Best Random Lines:
Nicole Rego: Gwyneth [Paltrow] runs this weird blog called Goop. Don't read it.
Walter Burns: If you start the Master of Puppets album when the credits start, The Artist matches up perfectly.
Nicole Rego: Loved Meryl's assistant in BLACK LEGGINGS AT THE FUCKING OSCARS. Get a grip, lady.

Image courtesy of 30 FPS/Mocksession

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