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Winners Can Still Be Losers

by Lewis Krell

As we sit here in the early throes of March Madness, anxiously awaiting the rest of the best sporting event of the year, I imagine many of you out there are like me, lacking a team to back in the tournament. My alma matter, the University of Arizona, missed the tournament for only the 2nd time in the past 26 years. After a spirited run that left us one missed three-pointer short of a Final Four appearance last year, this year we have to settle for the NIT. Because I have a functioning brain (no matter what stereotypes you may have heard about the U of A), I will not be watching a minute of the NIT. But I will indeed be watching as many minutes as I possibly can of the NCAA tournament.

Perhaps you don’t have a team in the tournament because you were an idiot and you went to a small liberal arts school; perhaps because the Selection Committee once again overlooked the DeVry institute; perhaps you didn’t go to college at all because Rick Santorum told you that if you went you would become an elitist commie hippie. Regardless, I figured I could come in and help to, at the very least, steer you away from cheering for certain teams that have given all of us good reasons to hate them. I will spotlight a few teams you should cheer for as well because it’s my favorite holiday and hey, I’m in a good mood. Now throw "One Shining Moment" on repeat as we dive right in....

 

5 Teams You Shouldn’t be Cheering For

Harvard - For the love of God do not cheer for Harvard. Everyone is buying into this story of them being an underdog. Let me make this perfectly clear: if you currently are a student at Harvard then you are not in any way an underdog. Oh sure, you may be less skilled at basketball than the fellas from North Carolina or Kentucky, but every single player on that team that isn’t going to the NBA would give up half a testicle to switch places with you. The NCAA constantly runs the one ad about how 98% of NCAA athletes will go pro in something other than sports. You know what the Harvard kids go pro at? Being the fucking President of the United States. Basketball is virtually the only field that Harvard has entered but has not had great success. This is wonderful news. Those elite bastards have enough going for them without your support. Need more reasons to cheer against them? Fine. Are you a Republican? Obama went there. Socialist pig! Are you a Democrat? George W. Bush went there. War-mongering idiot! Are you a human being with a heart and a brain? Ted Kaczynski went to Harvard. I think I’ve made my point.

Alabama - Even if they win the entire tournament, only 17 people will care because football's spring practices start in just a few weeks. Bernie Madoff went to Alabama for one year and I think It’s safe to say that all of his evilness came directly from the instution and, more importantly, Jen-naay’s father was undoubtedly a huge Alabama fan and that guy used to abuse her so badly that she would have to hide in the cornfields with Forrest. That’s not a school I want to support. I'm pro-Gump. Are you?

Ohio State - Greg Oden has only played 82 NBA games in 5 years, and was recently dropped from the team that drafted him first overall. Every NFL player always says THE Ohio State University when they talk about what school they went to and it’s ever so annoying. Oh and THE Jeffrey Dahmer went there.

Syracuse - Syracuse assistant coach Bernie Fine, and Jim Boeheim’s right hand man for more than 30 years (one could say he was the Sandusky to his Paterno), was fired at the beginning of this season amid allegations that he sexually molested a whole bunch of young boys.This year's Syracuse team is definitive proof that winning cures all in sports. They went 31-2 and no one talks about Bernie Fine. Don't cheer for Syracuse. [Ed. Note: the case is sort of a mess and Mr. Fine is still innocent until proven guilty.]

Wisconisin - Wisconsin averages 63 points per game. This is 263rd overall in the nation. Don’t cheer for them unless you love watching basketball that is the equivalent of being water boarded. Boringly.

 

5 Teams To Cheer For

Missouri - According to the NCAA, Missouri is credited with inventing Homecoming. Homecoming is one of the greatest American traditions, although I do have to say I am quite surprised it took until 1911 for someone to realize that people like finding excuses to reunite with old friends, get drunk, and watch football. Now for some quick basketball analysis (shocking I know): Mizzou is high scoring and fun to watch with Marcus Denmon having a good chance to be this year’s Kemba Walker, a.k.a. the guy everyone will be talking about as he carries his team to the Final Four. Also, Jon Hamm and Brad Pitt both went to Mizzou, and those guys are infinitely better at life than you will ever be, even if Brad should have stayed with Jennifer.

Texas - Myck Kabongo not only has one of the best names in the tournament. He is also Canadian. It's ok to cheer for Texas.

St Mary’s – The Gaels have a guy named Steve Holt (!).

Western Kentucky - Western Kentucky’s leading scorer is named Four McGlyn. Being named Four reminds me of Costanza. Anything that reminds me of Costanza instantly makes me want to cheer for you.

New Mexico State - Cheer for the Aggies because I have them in my Sweet Sixteen. And I really want to win my office pool. On a side note, I recently read an article that claimed that the office camaraderie gained from having a March Madness pool more than offsets the productivity lost from the four complete work days that coincide with the Madness. I could not disagree with that sentiment any more strongly but feel free to send that link to your boss tomorrow when you get caught watching games. You’re welcome.

There you have it folks. I hope this incredibly illogical and really, really dumb list of reasons helps you enjoy the Madness.

Image courtesy of the Arrested Development wikia

 

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Lewis Krell is a Canadian expat and Inclusive staff writer. His work with a more maple leaf-styled slant can be found at Fifty Mission Cap. Contact him at lewis.krell [at] theinclusive.net